Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.