Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.