Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
TEETH IS INNOCENT
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My dad is at it again
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”