Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
A dead goose is called a ghoost
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication