59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Peace was never an option
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Expect the unexporcupine.