@AnkCoupleTO: I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

@iamburtjarvis: british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza? british guy: tea british waiter: jolly good choice [both laugh britishingly]

@NoticablyBacon: I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@Social_Mime: When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I've discovered I was right.

@AntozWolf: There's a reason the iPhone autocorrects "Yolo" to "tool."