They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.