everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.