Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.