Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
lumberjacks will cut a birch
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.