@Cheeseboy22: Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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@swiftenhaal: Carp we hit an iceberg! What am I herring? This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me? You're so shellfish Fin
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@dxblarssonENG: Teenage daughter called me an old fart. We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
@TheBoydP: Did you know that McDonald's once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.