Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
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.
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.