Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
You Might Also Like
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I love you to the refrigerator and back
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”