@rickygervais: Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of "Catfish"
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@mrace_ventura: "Did you do your homework?" "Did you grade my test?" "I have other student's tests to grade." "I have other teacher's homework to do."
@nikkithecanuck: Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
@EJGomez: *emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"