@rickygervais: Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of "Catfish"
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@joeljeffrey: Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work. Siri: Lol
@simoncholland: One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
@truegritrumble: "How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?" -Cats
@Karate_Horse: my child is amazed when the “shelf elf” is in a different location every morning! duh, I placed it there! except for Wednesday I did not do that, I am completely freaking out