@rickygervais: Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of "Catfish"
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@KevinBuffalo: The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
@SnizzleFrizzle: I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. *I'm not even high.
@jeremiahtolbert: Toddler, sleepily: "A lot of people live in our house." Me: "Momma, Matty, and me. That's all." Toddler, pointing behind me: "And them too." I turn to see an empty hallway. I'm 99% certain it was an empty hallway.