If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!