*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.