*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Somebody’s lying.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.