*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Stop sending me this shit.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.