[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
This made me smile…
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**