Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
You Might Also Like
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]