That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?