How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“Huge”.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
how high up are we talkin’?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.