@GuyEndoreKaiser: Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
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@jjhartinger: A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.
@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"
@meganamram: I can't believe it's 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross
@moose_chocolate: Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?