@GuyEndoreKaiser: Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
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@joshgondelman: Why do they call it "buckling a cranky baby into a car seat" and not "fasten the furious?" (Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
@TheBigBatman: Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
@CelebrityChez: My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.