Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
CRYING
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.