Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
crying
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN