200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.