Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m putting together a team
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.