Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
🍛
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Order here:
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Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.