This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.