This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…