😂
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
translated into Canadian
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.