This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Pass gas, not judgment.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Still my favourite meme.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck