This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
You Might Also Like
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.