5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
You Might Also Like
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul