This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
crazy
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
what
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.