@IvyelleWright: This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
@Be___Dope: [text] Her: I picked up buffalo wings. Me: * moves furniture around * rolls out plastic sheeting
@killazilla: My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can't stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.
@Jacob_Swift16: When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since