“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Who did this…? 💫⚡️