@canadian_jane: This bar smells so bad and I can't tell who's homeless and who's a hipster.
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@ErikGators: Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it's ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
@dafloydsta: [in a crowded elevator] ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH'S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
@TJ_Whitehead: By my calculations, I've spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
@mamabirddiaries: A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.