Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.