@canadian_jane: This bar smells so bad and I can't tell who's homeless and who's a hipster.
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@SharkJelly: Clark Kent "I have a confession" Lois Lane "what is it?" *Clark removes his glasses* Lois "Is it a bird?" Clark "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"
@sixfootcandy: Kid: How did you meet daddy? Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...
@RegularFred: Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.
@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.