My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
so i’m at the stock market right
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
hmm conte-me mais
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.