@msmollybee25: This bartender doesn't know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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@CPajamaShark: I've got this great joke where I kidnap people's sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
@tweetsauce: This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
@TheToddWilliams: [principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
@batkaren: HER: What's your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: ... ME: ... HER: ... V-Verizon.