@BackrowSeats: This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's just falling asleep.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story? Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night. 8yo: WHAT?! Me: goodnight, buddy.
@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
@chrissyteigen: I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips