two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Truth
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”