@TheTalkingPipe: This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she's using the other eye. Oh never mind. She's falling asleep.
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@LeviathanPride: Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
@OverlyManlyMann: Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
@underchilde: Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your girlfriend about weight gain.
@Elifcello: "Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Pants