Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.