@FaisalAdam_: This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it's dabbed in chloroform...
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@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@mstern68: Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you're not afraid to use it Brain: This makes sense right now Body: We're on board Pavement: Come at me bro
@Up2Long: Didn't want cats ... had 2 cats. Didn't want marriage ... got married 2 times. Ok Karma ... I'm on to you. I don't want a million dollars
@murrman5: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.