It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?