I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect