This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Breaking news:
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me