This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
You Might Also Like
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God has abandoned us.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
just left a huge legacy in there
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
buys donuts instead
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*