Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
This did not end as expected.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there