This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Meowchelangelo
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.