This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.