This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.