@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
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@dshack8: No one is more productive than a guy who's been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
@GaryJanetti: I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What's taking the rest of them so long?
@anagramps: "My nose is going to grow now" said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
@jessokfine: Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.