@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
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@FatherWithTwins: Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
@TheCatWhisprer: We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
@duplicitron: I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
@rolldiggity: New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.