@doublewenis: This cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys.
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@PaperWash: [death row] Guard: alright tough guy one last meal Me: a cyanide pill Guard: what? no we want to kill you! Me: too bad Guard: aw man
@PinkCamoTO: It's like grandma always said... Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won't be invited back.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding