[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.