@doublewenis: This cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys.
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@CopBroughtPizza: and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
@ilikeyouguys: What if gravity...was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
@Ameiam: People are always like "you're so crazy" and I'm all like "please take off the restraints, I promise I won't do it again".
@jenniferfralic: Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today